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Comments for 'Tales From the Hook: Old Dead Man' |
Mainevent
1:26 am | October 22, 2003
We should make one called Lord of the Ring
Not lord of the rings.
It's totally not related ;)
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Walker
11:36 am | October 20, 2003
Oh, okay. Well, it's a cool story.
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Walker
11:36 am | October 20, 2003
If he doesn't object. The choice is his.
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Hawk7886
4:08 am | October 20, 2003
Walker and I should work on one story editing together. It would be bombproof ;)
"Certainly an imrpovement from your early days . . ."
Certainly an improvement from your early days . . .
"Or not. Your choice."
Or not: Your choice.
""'Dead,' he said. 'They are probably dead. The Covenant got them.'""
"Dead", he said. "They are probably dead: The Covenant probably got them."
;)
Besides, I was already pimping this 'series': Third post up. I was a tad bit subtler than you.
Also; even if Alpha doesn't want an 'official' editor, we'll still edit his stories post-submission.
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Alpha Lance
9:57 pm | October 19, 2003
I see Walker, I had a lack of grammer clas in the 5th,6th and 7th in school. But this is a coop story, Alpha Lance/Jinkaiden-XI.
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Walker
9:07 pm | October 19, 2003
And "load" should be "loud", as in a high volume of sound. I think that's what you meant anyway.
You said the Covenant had a "mass air treat". That should be vast air threat.
You said "Covenant attacks on the 27th ODST are continues now." That should be "Covenant attacks on the 27th ODST continue now."
"He gouts good experience" should be "He has good experience".
"Although, he's a grumpy old man, a bad temper senior to say the least.", "Although, he's a grumpy old man, a bad tempered senior to say the least."
"Privet Josh Ferguson", (That you?) "Private Josh Ferguson"
"Be on the look out for the Pelicans, exercise extreme caution.", "Be on the look out for the Pelicans and exercise extreme caution."
"In a hour there is supposed to be Pelicans coming" should be "In a hour there are supposed to be Pelicans coming".
"'Dead,' he said, 'they are probably dead, the Covenant got them.'", "'Dead,' he said. 'They are probably dead. The Covenant got them.'"
"All cool and calm Sgt. Johnson stood in one spot", "All cool and calm, Sgt. Johnson stood in one spot".
*Note, where corrections and quotes ended with "'." or "'," or ".',", that's either:
A)The quote was not a full sentence
B)The quote was not a full sentence and did not have any other seperation before the next correction
or
C)It ended in a period and did not have any other seperation before the next correction
Well, that was just a sample for you, Alpha Lance, about the first half. Certainly an imrpovement from your early days, as we all improve, but still not as good as you once were. Don't feel that I'm patronizing you, since you're a better writer of a lot of things than me, but I just wanted to know if you wanted me to help you any. You can email me at hbowalker45@hotmail.com with your story, I can take it to word and edit it, and you can submit it when I send it back. Or not. Your choice. If you don't your stories will still be great, but not as wonderful as they could be. Good luck.
Semper Fi
-Walker
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Alpha Lance
7:06 pm | October 19, 2003
Alright, I found some mistakes, like, where it said, 'with a load explosion the drop ship blew up,' it is suppose to be, 'with a load explosion, the drop ship blew up.' Forgot the comma.
Where it said, 'with the Marines like to call,' it's suppose to be, 'what the Marines like to call.'
Where it said, 'The finding their selves outnumber,' I left out Covenant between the and finding.
I mispelled fresh, and that's about it. That's not too many now.
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Alpha Lance
6:48 pm | October 19, 2003
Hmm...I didn't nothice any mispelling, and Jinkaiden correct some of it, I even had mom look over it, she onlt nothice some nad I corrected them. Can you tell me the errors, Walker?
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Walker
6:14 pm | October 19, 2003
9/10, for too many mispellings. You had a high point in grammar editing there for awhile, Alpha, but it's gone back down. If you want you can email me your stories before you submit it and I can edit them. What's your email?
Semper Fi
-Walker
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Alpha Lance
4:50 pm | October 19, 2003
Awe, thanks for the coments you two. O happy days.
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Jinkaiden-XI
4:46 pm | October 19, 2003
Although it is a co-op series, most of the credit goes to Alpha Lance, who wrote the whole thing; I just revised it slightly. However, we will be exchanging ideas more often, once we get the flow down.
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Hawk7886
7:35 am | October 19, 2003
Have you considered the title, 'Tales From the Ring'?
Does anyone want an editor?
"Jinkaiden and me has joined forces."
Revised, 'Jinkaiden and I have joined forces.'
;)
I liked the story, it was excecuted beautifully.
10/10
Also, you should preview the story in the title, 'Tales From the Hook: Old Dead Man (Drama)'
Just to let us know what to expect. Or you could take the easy way and just tell us in the Authors' note.
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J-117
4:01 am | October 19, 2003
u 2 make good pair man, love it already, 'sniff' "WHY SERGEANT JOHNSON!!!"
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J-117
4:01 am | October 19, 2003
u 2 make good pair man, love it already, 'sniff' "WHY SERGEANT JOHNSON!!!"
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