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AmokTheClown
11:17 pm | December 10, 2003
good job. at least now that you've posted it up, you know what you can do, so for your next story, raise the bar a little and see what you can achieve. i try to do it all the time, but most of the time i end up back in square 1. Poems are a bit of unknown territory, kind of like abstract art. you have to write them how you feel. if you know what i mean. and remember, they don't always have to rhyme... when you get something to rhyme it just seems, to me anyway, that you need a gimic to keep people reading.... anyway, put some more stuff on the site, i wan't to read it. hell, you've inspire me to do a poem
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teemus
5:03 am | December 9, 2003
none taken, I can always use with corrections.
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CovieKilla
1:39 am | December 9, 2003
Oh and I forgot to add...try not to use the same word so much cuz the word wife pissed me off after I read it the fifth time...same with fight...try and find other words and phrases...and also u spelt dying wrong...you put "dieing"...and this wasnt intended to be harsh if you take it that way at all.
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CoLd BlooDed
5:51 pm | December 7, 2003
Check out my sixth story for Fight for New Tatley and my poem, "Ever Since They Came."
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teemus
2:12 am | December 7, 2003
Yup im in the 8th grade to. Thanks for the addvice.
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CoLd BlooDed
5:26 pm | December 6, 2003
It doesn't matter, that was my first poem on HBO anyways. Just its better if its more original and maybe a title relating to the poem.
P.S I hate math, since I am in grade 8, but its good for your first poem. You also might want to think about what your poem is going to be about, that always helps. :)
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teemus
7:54 am | December 6, 2003
Well...I guess you are right. Your poem actually did inspire me. Sorry about that
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teemus
7:54 am | December 6, 2003
Well...I guess you could say it was your poem that sort of inspired me to write this one. Sorry about not asking. The rhyme scheem is not great, I wrote it in middle of math class. Thanks for the comment i can always use with corrections.
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CoLd BlooDed
6:20 am | December 6, 2003
It was OK, but you need to make the rhyme scheme a little more consistent. Mostly because some of the words didn't work with others and several other things like that.
You also got to work on what the poem is about, because I don't really think this has anything to do with hell. I'm also detecting a little bit of my poem in there...am I right? O well, good job and keep it up.
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mattt
2:06 am | December 6, 2003
sorrry i posted two comments. my bad
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mattt
2:05 am | December 6, 2003
pretty cool.
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mattt
2:03 am | December 6, 2003
preety cool
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CovieKilla
9:40 pm | December 5, 2003
not so bad...7/10. Pretty good first try. Keep it up.
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